We had known for about a month, but had been keeping our big news a secret until we could tell our family. The weekend before, we flew up to Kansas and surprised my parents and brother with news that a little one would be joining our family in April! Precious, precious moments that I will cherish forever!
We told Chad's family as soon as we got back into town. We immediately realized that it was time to go public when Chad's mom told our waitress at dinner that she was going to be a grandma . . . there was going to be no keeping this a secret for much longer! :)
That week was filled with some of the most joy-filled conversations I had ever had! News of a baby is just pure joy and we were swimming in it. So that Sunday at church was just the icing on the cake . . . telling our faith family and having them share in our joy was priceless.
But 5 years ago today, our joy turned to despair as we learned that our little one was gone.
We went for my first doctor appointment, saw the first picture of our first baby, but didn't see the heartbeat we longed for. I was 9 weeks, but our little love had stopped growing at 7 weeks.
There just aren't words to describe what we went through that day and the days that followed. Pure heartbreak.
The next 2 weeks were miserable, painful, and exhausting in every possible way.
But God was near. Chad and I held on to each other and tried desperately to help one another cling to God. Our Edgewater family truly were the hands and feet of Jesus as they loved, served, cared, and prayed for us.
About a month after the miscarriage, we went to Galveston, just the two of us, for a week-long getaway. We slept. We cried. We watched an unhealthy amount of LOST. We cried some more.
We took long walks on the most gorgeous deserted beach.
And for the first time in my life I flat out wrestled with God.
I boldly asked Him all my questions. I gave Him the full force of my anger and hurt.
But just like David after he cried out to God with questions in Psalm 13, I ended this way . . .
But I trust in your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord's praise,
for He has been good to me.
I can't believe that it has been 5 years. I look back and see nothing but God's faithfulness and grace. He has healed our hearts from the pain that was so raw and overwhelming.
But healing is not forgetting.
His name is Ashton. Named after his Daddy.
And today I went through the memory box we created with all the cards, emails, prizes, and keepsakes from those months. I cried tears of loss, but also gratitude.
I'm amazed that anything of my weak faith was even left after the trauma of Ashton's loss. I was not the woman then that I am now. I didn't feast on God's Word daily or even consistently. I didn't take each Word in the morning as my daily Bread. God was so gracious to one so weak and lukewarm.
His grace sustained me and has drawn me into depths with Him that I couldn't have imagined then. He has heaped blessing upon blessing on our lives . . . two amazing kiddos and hearts waiting for another.
In fact, exactly a year after we sat on our couch and sobbed over the fresh news of our loss, we sat on that same couch for the first time holding our precious 10 day old daughter.
Beauty from ashes. Joy from mourning. Life from death. Isn't that God's way?
This morning as Chad and I prayed, remembering the darkness of grief and still aching for our son, God again reminded us of His sovereignty and faithfulness.
Ava heard the garbage truck and came flying out of her room. We smiled as we listened to the pitter patter of feet that wouldn't have been a part of our lives had it not been for Ashton's feet only knowing the streets of heaven.
Today I grieve and give thanks to the One who is Creator, Sovereign, and Good.
Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name;
make known his deeds among the peoples!
Sing to him, sing praises to him;
tell of all his wondrous works!
Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice!
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
Psalm 105:1-4
I remember all of those emotions. Every July 4th, I grieve for a baby that we lost. This summer was 6 years. I even remember those wrestling with God weeks. It was only the 2nd time in my life that I remember actually being upset with God (the 1st was when Zach's little sister passed away). Anyway, the entire experience still amazes me at just how gracious & loving our God is. We found out on my due date that we were pregnant with Jonathan. My mourning certainly turned into rejoicing that day.
ReplyDeletePraying for you today. Anniversaries like this are so hard. We have one coming up... our first baby, Asher, was born in heaven 6 years ago on the 16th. Hurts so badly even still.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your joy and pain, Cole. While I have never lost a child, I lost my dear brother almost 6 years ago and I still deal with my grief at times. I, too, questioned God with all my being and dealt him the full force of my anger and hurt and pain. He was gracious and faithful and continues to heal me on a regular basis. I see his faithfulness in fulfilling his promises to me to be my Comforter and my Healer all the time. Thank you for affirming for me again, that God is big enough for all of our hurt, anger, and pain and wishes to turn them into joy, trust, and healing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support and encouragement ladies! I hate that so many people have had to endure this same loss or the loss of any loved one, but I'm so thankful for how our God sustains in even the darkest times!
ReplyDelete