Thursday, June 16, 2011
This is the sticky note that is on my desk. I wrote it yesterday when God made it abundantly clear that I was indeed acting like Martha . . . "distracted by all the preparations that had to be made . . . worried and upset about many things" (Luke 10).
I know this about myself . . . that I have the tendency to plan and organize and get things done in my own strength. This is why I was so desperate at the beginning of this process to NOT do all that. I wanted to passionately pursue God, hear Him speak, and follow only where He leads. I wanted to walk according to His plan, His timetable.
For two weeks I was successful in my endeavor. It was priceless to hear Him graciously speak as we prayed. My faith was being challenged and grown. I was being refined by my Savior, molded by the Potter, spoken to by the God of all creation.
And then I took it back. I let Martha creep in (blow through like a tornado would be more accurate). God spoke to us about adopting from Africa and I quickly set to work on "all the preparations that had to be made." I was researching countries, agencies, fundraising, etc. I quickly became overwhelmed and worried about all the decisions, all the unknowns.
I can't tell you how blessed I am to be married to Chad. He knows me and loves me. God often uses him to speak hard words to me in such a gentle way. As we prayed together on Tuesday night, Chad prayed that we would not be like Martha, but like Mary. (For those of you who are thinking that he was pointing out my faults disguised as a prayer and you would have wanted to slap him, he wasn't. God had convicted him of the same thing the day before and used his confession to speak right to my heart too.)
What a revelation. I was consumed by Martha and hadn't even realized it. I've been meditating on this since Tuesday. The fact is, there are things that need to be done, preparations that need to be made in order to move forward with this process. We can't completely be inactive. So I've been asking God how I can be active in what needs to be done with a heart that is completely resting in Him. I want to sit at His feet like Mary, listening to what He says. I want to "choose what is better" and know that it won't and doesn't have to be taken from me.
So I'm giving it back. I'm going to be like Mary. I don't want to be in control of this process. Or of my life for that matter. I want to accept His gracious invitation to pursue Him, be refined by Him, and demonstrate His heart to a world that needs Him . . . all by His power and for His glory!