Self preservation. That's the mode I have been in, but didn't really realize it until today. I've definitely felt a lot of emotion as we have begun pursuing adoption so I guess I had fooled myself into believing that I had gone there . . . to that place where something consumes you, overtakes you. In reality, I have been walking through this process, but holding it all at bay just enough that my heart wouldn't break. I've prayed and prayed about our adoption, but haven't let myself pray for MY SON specifically. I've thought about the statistics, but haven't thought of how those will affect MY SON. That way, I can think and pray about our adoption, but at some level hold it together, not lose myself in it. Until today.
The kiddos were napping, I was listening to Glory Revealed II (my favorite CD right now), and making baby food for Grayson. As I was slicing pears to puree, my mind started wandering to thoughts of when our son is home and what his life we be like before then. Once I took that step, my mind continued on and my heart followed. I don't think I'll ever get it back.
How long will he live until he knows what it is to have a family that loves him?
Will he ever get kissed goodnight until I have the joy of tucking him in?
I'm making baby food for Grayson, but will my other son have a day where he doesn't eat at all?
Will he get to the point where he stops crying because no one comes?
Everything changes when you go from thoughts of a child to thoughts of your son. I cried as my heart broke for the plight of little ones who have no voice. My little one with no defender. Any chance I had of holding it all together was gone. :)
As I prayed, deep regret filled me. There have always been orphans, but I have spent my life, my marriage concerned about other things. As I talked to Chad about it later, he said I had a Schindler's List moment.
I grieve at the years we have wasted on ourselves when we could have done more to show God's heart for the orphan.
I grieve at the money we have wasted on ourselves when it could have gone to families wanting to adopt or orphanages caring for the unadoptable. We are saying no to spending money on things now with such joy because we know that our sacrifice (if you can really call it that) will go to bring our son home. Why didn't we have that same attitude for someone else's son or daughter?
I grieve that for years my prayers have been mostly about myself, my issues, my comfort, my worries. As I cried and prayed for my son and the millions of other orphans, I prayed desperately that God would truly be the Father to the fatherless. The Father to my son until he is in our arms. What a blessing to pray with passion for someone other than myself.
Chad said that had the movie gone on, we probably would have seen Schindler's life look much different because of his moment. Praying that my moment will change me forever.