But God spoke so tenderly and powerfully to me this weekend and I want to share.
On Saturday morning, my house was a flurry of activity. Two kiddos running around (Grayson is still crawling, but he does it so fast in order to keep up with Ava that he might as well be running!), mom baking cupcakes for the birthday party, and who knows what my dad and Chad were doing, but there was just a lot going on. And in the midst of it all, my heart was heavy.
I decided to go up to Chad's office. I needed to make copies, but I also just wanted to be alone with my Savior for a little while. As I drove over, I felt full. Like the tears could overflow at any moment. You know . . . like when all the emotions inside are ready to burst forth if someone so much as smiles at you.
Why this heaviness? It's a combo of things really.
My baby, BABY, is not so much a baby anymore and we were getting ready to celebrate that fact. A little hard to swallow!
Chad's mom is really sick right now. Our hearts have been so heavy for her, anxious for answers, and a little worried until they come. She has an appointment with a liver specialist this Wednesday so pray with me for healing before then that will astound the doctors and bring praise to our Healer!
And then of course there is this adoption journey. I'm now starting on all the dossier documents, which is slightly overwhelming. But more than that, I was overwhelmed and discouraged as I gazed down the road ahead. Our agency just changed the timeline listed on their website for an Ethiopian adoption to give a more accurate picture of this journey. This is good. Realistic expectations. But so hard when you are just at the beginning and an already long road now gets even longer.
So I'm in Chad's office, the tears are on the brim, and I need God to speak. I ask Him to speak.
And then three things happen to let me know that my God, the God of the universe, is near. He is near, He hears me, and He loves me.
I pulled up Pandora radio to have some music as I studied and prayed. The first song that began to play was "For The Good" by Shane and Shane. God spoke right to my heart with these words, "Lord I really need to hear you speak. So remind me in the waiting. You are working all things out for the good of those who are called by You, for the good of those who are in love with You."
And then the floodgates flung wide open! Tears flowed as I was reminded that He has marked the race set out for me (Heb. 12:1). My way is unknown to me, but not to Him. He desires GOOD for me (Ps. 85:11) and He is in fact working all things out for that good (Rom. 8:28).
This Word from God led to honest confession on my face before my King. I confessed my fears, my doubts, my frustration. I confessed that I feel tired and weary and the journey has just begun. How can I make it down this long road? How can we endure the waiting? It is going to be so hard. Too hard.
Confession is so good for the soul. God knows my heart, my inner thoughts and fears, but there is something about verbalizing them that frees you from them. He can handle honest talk. He can handle ALL my emotions. So I laid it all out there and again asked God to speak.
I opened my Bible to Matthew. I've recently decided that I want to immerse myself in the Gospels, in Jesus. So I'm reading and studying one chapter each day before I move on to other studying. It has been so good to walk with Jesus through His earthly life. I look forward to doing this forever, really. I want to know Him! If you don't know what to study right now, I invite you to do it with me. With one chapter a day, you can go through all four Gospels in three months. Four times a year!
Anyway, I turned to my chapter for the day . . . Matthew 27. Matthew's account of the crucifixion of Christ.
As I began to read, the tears came again. But this time they weren't tears of fear or heaviness, but gratitude. The still, small Voice spoke straight to my heart.
Cole, here is the road I walked to adopt you.
A painful road of betrayal, false accusations, injustice, mocking, beating, ridicule. A literal walk down the long road to the cross, to a criminal's death. Crucifixion. Physical death. Taking on the sins of the world, my sin. Bearing God's wrath as penalty for that sin. Dying the death that I deserve. Separation from the Father.
The cost of my adoption was great . . . a price I could never pay. The journey was long and hard. More than anything I could ever bear. But Jesus walked it nonetheless. Not that it was easy breezy. He mourned and asked if there was another way. But He was committed to the will of the Father.
Nothing like putting things in perspective! Immersing myself in Jesus is proving to be just what this heart needs as we start this adoption journey. The cost is great, the road is long, the wait will be hard. But I am committed to the will of my Father. I know that He goes with me. And I know we will make it . . . by His grace.